Why…

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This is all I want to do lately.

I don’t know where my head is at or why I can’t seem to pick myself up lately. It’s not like anything has really gone completely wrong where it’s sent me spiraling down in the last couple of weeks. But I can’t say nothing has really gone right either. I mean, it’s the nature of the beast and yeah I should pop some pills to help my stability, but I’m just not ready for the step yet.

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At least things have gotten better and I’m getting through weeks versus a day or two.

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Unfortunately we’ve had a couple mysterious ailments and some lameness (and post office failure) so our last two adventures that I really looked forward to didn’t work out. My brain started to shut down and processing things became difficult because I started to feel a sense of loss and …purpose. That’s probably not the right word but its the only one I can think of right now.

Fortunately I was able to attend the hunter pace yesterday because a friend let me borrow her lesson horse and we had a blast. But of course I was still sad that it wasn’t Brantley. It’s hard to explain what the difference between being upset and feeling sad is, but I was just sad he couldn’t be there. And of course because of my mental state lately, it’s “sadder” than just sad. I don’t know, you either get it or you don’t.

I’m trying to stay up.

At least I’m still here.

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