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Why…

Madeline Byrd

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This is all I want to do lately.

I don’t know where my head is at or why I can’t seem to pick myself up lately. It’s not like anything has really gone completely wrong where it’s sent me spiraling down in the last couple of weeks. But I can’t say nothing has really gone right either. I mean, it’s the nature of the beast and yeah I should pop some pills to help my stability, but I’m just not ready for the step yet.

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At least things have gotten better and I’m getting through weeks versus a day or two.

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Unfortunately we’ve had a couple mysterious ailments and some lameness (and post office failure) so our last two adventures that I really looked forward to didn’t work out. My brain started to shut down and processing things became difficult because I started to feel a sense of loss and …purpose. That’s probably not the right word but its the only one I can think of right now.

Fortunately I was able to attend the hunter pace yesterday because a friend let me borrow her lesson horse and we had a blast. But of course I was still sad that it wasn’t Brantley. It’s hard to explain what the difference between being upset and feeling sad is, but I was just sad he couldn’t be there. And of course because of my mental state lately, it’s “sadder” than just sad. I don’t know, you either get it or you don’t.

I’m trying to stay up.

At least I’m still here.

Published by Madeline Byrd

30+ eventer wannabe just trying to stay on.

10 thoughts on “Why…”

  1. Your comment about “popping pills” makes me think you are speaking of depression, so please forgive/ignore this if I am incorrect.

    I’ve several friends that deal with various mental issues and they all have strategies to manage them. Some have medications, some have therapy and some have a combination of the above. What they have all explained is that whatever they need, helps them be themselves and they are very happy they have taken the steps to find ways to manage.

    I’ve seen a quote recently, “Medications for depression are like glasses for the vision impaired. They bring you back to the level playing field. They don’t change who you are.”

    And if all the above is incorrect, hugs. Lots of them. Just keep trucking along and you will manage to sort yourself out and feel the joie de vivre you normally have. 🙂

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    1. Thanks so much for your input. I mean it. And that’s my biggest fear… losing myself and becoming dependant. I totally agree with you (especially as visually impaired as I am) and think it’s going to me necessary in the long run but it’s scary. I’ve heard of the negative affects and I feel like they, at the moment, out weigh the positive. But we’ll see. ♡ Thanks for listening.

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      1. I totally understand your fears and they are completely valid. Ultimately, it is up to you as you know yourself better than anyone and any healthcare professional you choose to consult.

        And I listen very well so if you want a somewhat anonymous sounding board… 😉

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  2. The void is hard — it’s so easy to fall into and spiral downward. But I’ve found sometimes I almost need a little bit of downtime… as long as I can find something to pull me back up. My go-to is treating myself to something small, but “special” like a massage or getting my nails done. Totally frivolous, but it’s JUST for me ❤

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