This Is 33.

^{“Do not complain about growing old. It is a privilege denied to many.” – Mark Twain}

I’ve never complained about growing older before. It’s always been more of a question and wonder that I made it. Another year getting through what life throws at me while picking up whatever I can, and running with it.

This year has been a little different though. I’m sure it has a lot to do with everything the world went through last year on top of everything else I already was working through. Struggle, fight, struggle, “It’s fine”, struggle, fight… all to end up with being so exhausted from battling that you just go about the day empty and quiet. The motivation, the care, the drive… *poof*

The biggest struggle has been trying to find myself again in all the chaos of constantly working to catch up with life. My mind is lost in responsibilities, pay rates, changes in priority, happiness of others, job vs. career, the future. All of those typical day to days of an adult. I think I’ve been trying so hard to find balance, self-worth, and all around happiness that I’m just not letting myself… Be.

So that’s what I’m going to work on. Just letting it happen the way it’s supposed to happen. Enjoying the moments like the most intense game of Tic-Tac-Toe I’ve ever seen. Snuggling with my best friend on the couch, letting him pick what we watch – which happens to be what I want to watch by ways of reverse psychology. Taking in every moment he tells me he loves me and believing him when he says how much he believes in me.

I’m going to find this girl again. The girl who loves horses and would do whatever she had to do to get in the saddle every day and feel that freedom and connection to something greater than herself. I’m going to believe in myself and reach for what’s best for me and my family no matter how many wrong turns I have to take to get there. Because that’s what’s amazing about life… There are no right or wrong decisions. There are only paths that lead you to the next stepping stone, some just more wobbly than others.

I’m ready to be me again.